Freeway Encounters

**came across this inspiring article about a man who takes pictures of homeless people in LA and listens to their stories--http://www.ryot.org/beautiful-photos-homeless-people/451489

About a week ago, I had gotten off the freeway and a homeless man stood in the corner. We made eye-contact and he motioned that he was hungry and I responded with a sympathetic look as to tell him that I didn't have anything to give him. Except I did. Horrible, huh? I was on my way to the gas station that was located right next to the exit and I had been saving the money for my car. I parked, felt uneasy, walked to the register, paid for my gas, and asked for change. I pocketed the money and ran to the corner to find the man, but he was gone. I felt...selfish. I was thinking about myself and my needs above this man's. A genuine and semi-ridiculous question popped into my mind--what if that had been Jesus?! I decided to save that money and give it to the next person in need.

Yesterday I was on my way to school. Stopped at a red light right before the entrance of the freeway and there was a homeless man standing in the corner. We made eye-contact and I looked away, only to remember that I had saved what I didn't give to the last man. I pulled out the money, rolled down my windows and tried to grab his attention. I handed it to him and he was super grateful. I started to roll up my window but stopped because he started to ask me some questions. Basic ones like, are you in school? where do you go? And I kid you not, every time I answered a question I was about to roll up my window but he continued to talk. The conversation came to an end and he started to walk away. The light turned green and I made my way onto the on-ramp when I saw the man stop, look back and wave and smile at me. I waved and smiled back and continued on my way to school.

I should have felt better about the second situation right? But I didn't. If you don't already know, metacognition is my forte (I don't even know if I used that word correctly). What I'm trying to say is that I think about thinking. So in that second moment, I was thinking about what I was thinking when I was rolling up my window. Did I really think just handing him the money would somehow make up for the first situation? Did I expect myself to feel better about it? Did I do a good deed to feel validated as a "good" person? And then I started thinking about how this man was going to use his money. I remember I used to be hesitant about giving strangers money because I was never sure of how they would use it (because I'm such a great steward of money, right? -_-) Was he on his way to buy drugs? alcohol? junk food? pay bills? These thoughts turned into prayers--prayers for him and for myself. Praying that he would have a real encounter with Jesus and that his journey would lead him into His arms. Praying that even though he had little he would realize his richness in Christ. Praying that I would trust God and that I would believe that no matter what this man uses his money for, I would have faith in his sovereign and good plans. I am humbled by His goodness.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Feelings are so fickle; feel one way one moment and feel the opposite the next. Why? Sometimes I don't feel like I belong. Other times I can't help but feel like I'm better than others. Why am I thinking about these things right now? My thoughts are almost always revolved around me. When does the self-centeredness stop? Lord, I pray for less of me and more of you. Fill my heart.

Struggling with not wanting to take part in the world. Not indulging in "life" but being completely satisfied in who I am in you. I don't want to be accepted by the world and be...happy. How do I become set apart? Is there something that my mind and heart is not quite understanding? Open up my eyes to your will and to you.

Beauty. Struggling with it. Feeling the pressure to be a certain way, look and dress a certain way to be perceived a certain way. I'm lacking trust that beauty comes from within. I'm having difficulty accepting myself as beautiful when I am constantly indulging myself in media and pursuing beauty by the standards of the world. I'm afraid of what people might think of me because of how I look and dress.

Question: If I believe Jesus is the Messiah over all the earth, why am I being the way that I am? Why am I not interested in Him but more interested in myself? Where is my fire for Him? My passion for Him? My desire for Him? What He said should matter to me. But why isn't it?

I have overcome the world

Continue to submit to Him, be obedient to the Father

Please keep Missionary Kim & Lee in your prayers.

We were informed that our missionaries in Nicaragua were robbed by 5 people who had guns. They took computers, money, IDs, and phones. Missionary Lee suffered from a few broken ribs.

I haven't had the chance to talk to the missionaries but the message was passed along to our team and we are saddened by the news. Please pray that the missionaries continue to remain in Christ and trust in Him. Pray for their protection and healing. Pray for the direction and decisions the missionaries may be faced with. Pray that the missionaries are not disheartened or discouraged. Pray that one day the hearts of those who stole will be transformed.

Missionary Kim had shared with us how much her heart broke for the people when they stole, especially from the church. She wasn't sad that they were stealing from her necessarily, but that they still couldn't see that everything the church has is also theirs. I'm sure her heart is broken as trust is continuously broken. She loves the people and the country so much.

What to expect when you're expecting.

Disappointment.

It's actually a title of a movie that is based on a book about pregnancy and expecting a baby. But I was pondering this phrase today as I reflected on how we all have expectations, especially in relationships & friendships. Our expectations are so different and without verbalizing what our expectations are, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No, it's not the other person that fails to meet your expectations; it's us placing these unsaid expectations on people and expecting people to meet them. The whole read-my-mind-and-get-it-right mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this. I've been in a relationship where I've totally placed expectations on a guy and we entered this vicious cycle of being frustrated, talking things out, feeling disconnected etc. That's why I'm able to write about it. But today I actually got a glimpse of why guys may be frustrated when girls get upset at a guy for not doing something when the guy really had no idea that that was what the girl expected. Ya feel?

Anyway, my own shortcomings were brought to light. My pride stops me from loving people the way they receive love because they expect it from me. Twisted, huh? There's something about giving to people who have expectations that just really bugs me. But why? Why can't I just let down my pride and love people? It's my own sin and my desire to be given credit for spontaneity.

I wish to be more like Him who gives more than what we expect.

Internal Struggle.

A friend asked how I was feeling. I said I was rested. My friend proceeded to ask how I was feeling in a more global context. I said I was at peace. God has been clearly showing me His hand over my whole life. From fulfilling a vision I had years ago where my brother and I were sitting, sharing, crying, and praying to opening doors to new friendships in preparation of letting others go, I've been in the simplest terms...blessed.

But often feeling blessed becomes comfortable. I am uncomfortable with comfort. I don't like being in this state for too long because I lose sight of Him and instead indulge in the things of this world. So as odd as it sounds, I ask Him to shake up my life. Because in those moments, I cling to Him like no other.

Haha, be careful what you wish for.

I was thinking about some of my buddies who are in a relationship that doesn’t completely stimulate them. So many men and women accept this standard, it’s no wonder why half of all marriages end in divorce. Are we so desperate for companionship that we’ll compromise our happiness? Are we afraid to go after what we really deserve? And why don’t we realize this until it’s too late?

I've always struggled with prayer. Not just sitting and praying but believing in the power of prayer. I knew that prayers could be answered years and years after crying out to God because I've heard of amazing testimonies from people who shared of His goodness. But I wondered when I would experience that. And then it hit me. Who said God would answer prayers the way we expect them to? Why do we think God should work around OUR schedule and OUR timing? He simply asks us to trust in His plans.

I am humbled yet again. The fact that God honored the prayers of an inconsistent, heartless, uncommitted person like me is beyond me. It's grace. Praise God that it's not my doing, but His.

Driving home after dinner, my brother and I talked about how much he's grown in the past year. We talked about how he was before as if we were talking about a person we both knew a while back. This was the first time hearing him acknowledge his weaknesses--short temper and impatience. It was such an open and real conversation, yet so...surreal. I was in shock. Is this really happening? Who is this guy? I told him about how many people were praying for him for the past 6 years. He said he knew and recounted the one time he visited me in SD and saw his name on my prayer wall (woops haha). Later we talked about how he's doing now. The things he's struggling with, what he's learning. I've never been so invited into my brother's world. I soaked it all in. In no way am I trying to say that my brother and I now have the best relationship but it's the beginning. A special thank you to those who have been praying alongside me. This transformation that has been taking place all these years is the work of Him, all glory to Him. He is good. 


Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;Praise Him, all creatures here below;Praise Him above, ye heav’nly host;Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

Maybe it's the air of spring or the news of engagements and relationships sprouting around me (or the combination of both). Whatever it is...I'm thinking about it. For a while now I've been at peace with where I'm at and honestly didn't think about it much. Now, now is a different story. I have this weird reverse psychology that the moment I start wanting it, nothing will happen.  As if God doesn't want what I want. Silly, huh? There's also another part of me that is scared. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'm afraid that a person will run away after getting to know my bad sides (cue in Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side").  I'm also afraid that there won't be anyone who finds me attractive or beautiful. These are fears that lay deep inside of me. How can I get rid of them? How do I cure myself from it? How can someone who claims to know Jesus have such thoughts that are consumed by lies? I don't know. In my weakness, I forget that in spite of knowing my ugliness, He loves me. Instead of running away, He opened His arms out wide and died for me. That He declares me beloved. That beauty really is found on the inside (1 Peter 3:3-4). That fear doesn't come from love.

These are the moments, the revelations, the truths that I should be holding on to, the thoughts that should be imprinted in my heart.

Loneliness.

My good friends know that throughout my life, loneliness has been a reoccurring struggle that comes to me in waves. I hadn't been visited by It in a while and I was naive to think that just because I was growing in my walk with God that It had vanished from my life. This past Friday as I sat in my empty house, I started to blame people for my feeling this way. Bitterness and doubt grew in my heart as I began to sink farther into a self-pitying hole. The questioning of intentions, the thoughts of disconnecting, the discontent in my heart led me farther and farther away from His heart. Nevermind that school had superseded the quality time I spent with Him and that probably played a significant role; I wanted something, someone to blame. I wanted to feel validated in feeling the way that I did. Like I always do. The cyclical pattern of thoughts and actions needed to stop.

I walked into church this particular Sunday morning feeling guilty and shameful. I felt guilty for looking towards other idols to satisfy my fleshly desires. I felt shameful for standing before Him knowing that I had been walking away from Him this past week. But today I was re-reminded of grace. Pastor Joe shared, "Grace is free for the receiver, but the Giver pays a price for it...Salvation is Jesus being able to turn our bitterness towards Him because of the work He has done. He has paid the price so we no longer have to endure the guilt and shame." The idea of sin being pinned on the cross. Jesus took up our loneliness, vengeance, bitterness, shame, and guilt. He calls me to cast all of it onto Him and not onto others.

Praise God for stopping the cycle of brokenness. Praise God for the unthinkable love He had for His creation. That I would be freed and those around me would also be saved from my unlovingness. This is a struggle that will continue to meet me face to face in the future and I hope that I am reminded always of His goodness just as I was today. it has no power over me, it is a tool used to deceive me into believing that He has forgotten me, but it has lost to Him.

 "..knowing God through nature and believing in God’s power and divine qualities means we live a life of trusting God.  We can pray, read the Bible, evangelize and live a life of austerity for mission all we want.  If we cannot demonstrate God’s sovereignty that is so obvious in nature, we are not living a life of worship.  If we are not living a life of thankfulness, and we don’t demonstrate our sole dependence on Him, our weekly, even daily, “worship” is meaningless.  Then, people in the world will see our “religion” as just another religion.  How are you demonstrating your life of trust and faith to your loved ones?  Are you merely showing them that your faith is about reading, praying and going to church?  Or is it more?  We all are witnessing.  Are we witnessing the right stuff?"

"Being born into a family...you don't even decide that, it kinda happens biologically. But when you're adopted, your parents looked out at the whole world and picked.. you."

I don't remember the last time a video like that gripped my heart, made me cry, and brought me to my knees to pray. The second chance these kids were given, the boundless love of these anointed parents, and the greater message of God's love for us is just beautiful.

Left me thinking: Who am I to be chosen by Him?

2013.

I can't believe it. Another year to look forward to. This year I made the resolution to be humble and consider others better than myself (Philippians 2:3), to be joyful in all circumstances, pray fervently, and give thanks always (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). 8 days into the new year and I've already failed in more ways than I can count. But this journey of walking with the Lord was never meant to be an easy one so I rest in knowing that through Him all things are possible (Philippians 4:13), when I am weak He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10) and that gives me peace.

I recently watched Les Miserables with two of my good friends. While reflecting on the movie, I was reminded of a passage in the Bible that says,

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:21

Hugh Jackman's character was changed. He learned to forgive and show grace to a man (Russell Crowe) who made his life a living hell. How has the amazing life of Jesus not convicted my heart in a radical way that reflects the amazing grace that was shown to me?