Loneliness.

My good friends know that throughout my life, loneliness has been a reoccurring struggle that comes to me in waves. I hadn't been visited by It in a while and I was naive to think that just because I was growing in my walk with God that It had vanished from my life. This past Friday as I sat in my empty house, I started to blame people for my feeling this way. Bitterness and doubt grew in my heart as I began to sink farther into a self-pitying hole. The questioning of intentions, the thoughts of disconnecting, the discontent in my heart led me farther and farther away from His heart. Nevermind that school had superseded the quality time I spent with Him and that probably played a significant role; I wanted something, someone to blame. I wanted to feel validated in feeling the way that I did. Like I always do. The cyclical pattern of thoughts and actions needed to stop.

I walked into church this particular Sunday morning feeling guilty and shameful. I felt guilty for looking towards other idols to satisfy my fleshly desires. I felt shameful for standing before Him knowing that I had been walking away from Him this past week. But today I was re-reminded of grace. Pastor Joe shared, "Grace is free for the receiver, but the Giver pays a price for it...Salvation is Jesus being able to turn our bitterness towards Him because of the work He has done. He has paid the price so we no longer have to endure the guilt and shame." The idea of sin being pinned on the cross. Jesus took up our loneliness, vengeance, bitterness, shame, and guilt. He calls me to cast all of it onto Him and not onto others.

Praise God for stopping the cycle of brokenness. Praise God for the unthinkable love He had for His creation. That I would be freed and those around me would also be saved from my unlovingness. This is a struggle that will continue to meet me face to face in the future and I hope that I am reminded always of His goodness just as I was today. it has no power over me, it is a tool used to deceive me into believing that He has forgotten me, but it has lost to Him.